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my mom is in assisted living but is in bad shape and is experiencing scary hallucinations and paranoia . She is 95. I have zero interest in lasting that long. Everytime I call her or take her to her appointments, visits , pick up and deliver her laundry , etc I feel so depressed. I have no relationship with her like most mother daughters because she was a very unkind parent . I never bonded with her , but I still feel bad for her because she is so stubborn and is refusing to see a doctor for medication for her hallucinations and paranoid delusions . She is bent over , can’t hear unless I get right in her good ear , and has lost most of her vision. No thank you

The part of aging that makes me saddest is that our decrepit selves is the last memory our grandchildren may have of us. I hate that thought. When I'm with my grandkids now, I try to show them pictures of me and my husband when we were younger, at our grandkids' ages, so that they realize we were just like them once, and that they (God willing) will get to be our ages and older.

My Mom is 96 and still in denial about the fact that no one gets to stay here forever. The other day she was lamenting her condition so I asked her if she was ready to go. She said yes, then I said, "So, you are a DNR then?" and she got all flustered and said well she wasn't ready *just* yet. Oy vey. How much readier does one need to be? Her sister just passed last year at 105 with all her mind. She kept saying she was beyond ready to go but after her stroke and while she was receiving the morphine and Ativan, I could see what I think was fear in her eyes. She may not have been spiritually ready. This is the prep I need for myself. We all talk a big line about "just take me out back and shoot me if I ever get that bad" but that's not how it ever goes down.

I work on having acceptance about my physical abilities (the decline thereof), my perforating memory, etc. I have to remind myself of what I believe is my Christian mission no matter how old I am. Having this sense of purpose will always be critical to me at any age. If I can't do anything else, if I become blind, deaf and bedridden I can still pray if I have my mind. If I don't -- then it is what it is.

I agree with the fear of treating my children poorly. I tell them all the time that if I get mean they should put me in a facility and not feel guilty about it.

Sorrynotsorry, I wish you wisdom and peace in your heart on this journey with your Mom, and yourself.
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Hothouseflower 16 hours ago
I told my daughter who recently visited NYC that I did not want her to see her grandfather like he is now. I preferred that she remember him the way he was. She didn't argue the point. She did not visit.
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The memories of seeing my mother in her last year are not good - in a wheel chair, and demented. I wouldn't like to be like that but we don't get to choose.

Mother was physically good until she was 100. She had life long Borderline Personality Disorder and then developed dementia. She declined and lost mobility as the vascular dementia progressed. The BPD was the worst. Mother did not want drugs for her hallucinations either. She was about 101 then. A psychiatrist put her into a geriatric/ psychiatric hospital, and it took 9 months for them to get her to take the drugs, which helped a lot. She lived to 106.

I don't have that and am good to my family, but who knows what lies ahead. I can only hope that if I develop dementia I don't get too difficult and my kids have some understanding. They know I will go into a facility when I need to.

Geaton, I agree -as long as we have our minds to some degree we can pray even if we can't do much else.
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Perhaps you need to limit your visits with your mom to just once a week or once every other week if visiting her causes you to be so depressed and anxious.
Let her facility take her to her appointments and do her laundry, as you now have to take care of yourself. And only call her once a week as well if that will help you. Her facility will call you if there is a true emergency.
We're all going to get old if that is God's will for us, but there's no need to be anxious about it, as every day the Good Lord gives us is a gift and is meant to be enjoyed, best we can, so get out there and start enjoying your life as we only get one go round in this world.
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My maternal grandmother and mother died after a series of strokes. They both had ischemic strokes and my mom had a hemorrhagic one that left her in a four year nightmare existence unable to do anything at all. So yes, I feel sometimes like it’s coming for me. But I also daily choose to enjoy my life and not live with the end as my focus. I also exercise daily though I often don’t want to, I eat less than I used to, and I follow medical advice. None of that may work, but I’m certainly going to try. I’m sorry you’re in such a sad time with your mother, I remember it all too well, but I hope you won’t let anxiety win. Life is both short and a gift to treasure
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I only worry about being difficult and mean to my children like my mother was, if I get dementia.
I’m hoping not to be . I don’t treat my children badly now . So I have hope of being cooperative . My Mom was a lifelong difficult narcissist then developed dementia .
My grandmother got dementia but was very cooperative .
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Sorrynotsorry Feb 25, 2026
I understand completely. I am very sweet to my adult kids and grandkids . My mother was a shrew. She’s a bit better because she depends on me and knows I’ve set boundaries.
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I was young when my parents died. (11 when my Mom died and my Dad died 4 years later, my Grandma between them) So I have no experience with aging parents. When I met my Husband his parents were also dead. So no aging In Laws.
What I have done, is I have made sure, to the best of my ability, that I will not have to depend on any family member to care for me.
I purchased Long Term Care Insurance while I was caring for my Husband because I did not want to expect the same from family.
I am in a Handicap Assessable house that I purchased after my Husband was diagnosed knowing that I would need it for him eventually. I can age into this home and if needed there is plenty of room for a Live in Caregiver.
I have pre paid for my Funeral and made the arrangements that I want. (I do have to get a refund, they charged me for "hair and make up but it will be closed casket so I see no need for either🤣)
I recently made changes to my Will and changed my POA's and updated the Trust.
I have told my POA for Health that I want no extraordinary measures and I will have a POLST signed next time I am at my Dr.
I am not anxious at all.
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I have a vivid picture in my mind of myself sitting helpless in my mother's wheelchair, but ...what can you do 🤷
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golden23 17 hours ago
I see mother in her wheel chair and know that's a possibility for me and not a nice one, I have several vivid memories of mother in her last year.

The best one was when she was hours away from passing when I came to see her for the last time. She knew what was happening, was at peace and welcomed it. Maybe she was on some "happy" drug, but I know she never had a fear of death. To her it was more like another adventure.
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I don't feel anxious about the possibility of living to a very old age, but I don't aspire to live to a very old age either. My mom is 97 1/2 years old and her life is not good at this point. It is sad to see her suffering.
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One thing we can do is give our children (or another trusted person) both medical and financial POA, and plan to cooperate when the need arises.

For example there are medications that could help your mother so much with the hallucinations and delusions. If she was in memory care, a doctor or nurse practitioner could see her there and prescribe them for her, and the staff would bring them to her instead of her managing them herself. Can the assisted living do her laundry, and take the extra work off your list?

This does sound stressful and depressing. I'm sorry you're dealing with it.
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Sorrynotsorry 23 hours ago
She is so stubborn. She has refused to see a doctor. I’ve made three appointments and she throws a hiss fit everytime, refuses to leave her room , blaming the staff for plotting against her to drug her for another way to get her money. We’ve even tried tele health calls- she refuses. We now are using our POA to try to get her medication but these psych appointments have long waiting times. She already thinks they are putting something in her water so I don’t know how they’ll manage to give them to her.
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My mother lived to 95. My father is 97. I know it is a possibility for me to be drooling in a nursing home like my father is now. It's a scary thought. I don't want my family to have to deal with this.
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waytomisery 16 hours ago
I don’t think I’m going to live as long as my parents. Taking care of them aged me . They didn’t do anything for their parents .
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